


used to walk together

by fifty-one sunsets (idyleski)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Background Relationships, Breaking Up & Making Up, M/M, Misunderstandings, i give jisung my deepest apologiest TT_TT, minor minor nomin, very brief felix/chenle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-15 03:00:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29182176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idyleski/pseuds/fifty-one%20sunsets
Summary: "Hey, do you think we should break up? For 'character development' or whatever?" Chenle inquires. He pokes Jisung's chest a couple of times for good measure.Chenle and Jisung are high school sweethearts. Then, they break up.
Relationships: Park Jisung/Zhong Chen Le
Comments: 18
Kudos: 90





	used to walk together

**Author's Note:**

> happy birthday to my boy pwak jisung TT__TT congrats on adulthood!! but jisung will forever be a baby to me ;__; he's so adorable
> 
> somehow in the second half of last year i got sucked deep into chensung and nearly every other message i sent was like [breathes fire] CHENSUNG!!! the biggest cuties in the world. now, how can i make them SUFFER. thus, this fic was birthed and i could NOT let it go (i am sorry claire). this is the fic i kept working on when i should have been working on ALL THOSE exchange fics (big rip) and other people and the universe just laughed at me.
> 
> a couple of thanks are due for this fic. thank you claire who listened to my constant chensung-focused vision, the beginnings of this fic, the memory box idea, and me being like "why do i feel so sad when writing this?" thank you to rei for being such a superb beta and really helping me iron out the ending TT__TT (as well as allowing me to spam you with messages). this fic couldn't have been finished without you two <333
> 
> title taken from slump by stray kidz (lolol the irony)

Like most brilliantly bad ideas that come from the two of them, it all starts with Chenle.

They're cuddling on the futon and it's Chenle's turn to be the little spoon. Jisung has his chin hooked over Chenle's shoulder, his arms wrapped securely around his boyfriend's waist, and his eyes on his phone. Chenle's eyes are similarly glued to his own as he furiously taps away in another round of PUBG. Not for the first time, Jisung can't help but admire how cute Chenle looks when he's focused. Jisung bites back a smile, nuzzling Chenle's neck as his chest bursts with giddiness. He presses a kiss to Chenle's jaw. Then another, just because he feels like it.

"Hey, you're gonna make me lose," Chenle huffs. He shoves Jisung's face away, nearly stabbing him in the eye with his pointer finger. Jisung presses a kiss to the spot behind Chenle's ear– the one that always makes him gasp aloud and fidget because he's ticklish. He kisses down Chenle's jaw, grinning to himself as Chenle squirms in his grip. He continues to pepper Chenle's neck with kisses. Just as Jisung contemplates biting down where jaw meets neck, teeth idly grazing Chenle's skin, he gasps as his breath is knocked out of him with a sharp jab to his stomach.

"I hope you lost," Jisung wheezes.

Faces centimeters apart, Chenle smirks. The smugness radiates off him and he preens, "I won, actually. I'd like to collect my prize now, please."

Jisung rolls his eyes but obliges, pulling Chenle down. When he looks up, Chenle's eyes sparkle with mirth. Jisung huffs, pinching Chenle's side.

"Hey!" Chenle yelps.

"Sorry," Jisung grins. He continues to pinch Chenle, twisting what little fat he can grab from Chenle's side. "Want me to kiss it better?"

Chenle scoffs. He shoves Jisung back onto the sofa but still dips down to bite Jisung's lower lip. Jisung should do something, maybe roll over and send Chenle down to the floor, but Chenle's skin is warm underneath his hands. He's always found it difficult to think when the sun is in his palms, burning.

They eventually settle on a truce, Jisung's arms slung around Chenle's waist and Chenle's head pressed against Jisung's chest. Jisung ends up dozing off, lulled to sleep by the rhythmic rise and fall of Chenle's chest. He doesn't stir until Chenle begins to fidget in his arms, hand coming up to play with the hairs at Jisung's neck.

"What is it?" he mumbles as he hugs Chenle closer. "You're thinking loudly."

It's funny, between the two of them, Jisung's the who spends all his time contemplating. He likes to ponder, mulling over every small thing as though he were trying to document each difference in a bed of pebbles. On the other hand, Chenle isn't afraid of speaking his mind. Rarely does he hesitate, preferring to charge forward with his gut feeling. But, when there is something bothering him, Chenle keeps it to himself and lets it grow, until it bursts and capture’s everyone's attention with a loud _pop_.

"Am not," Chenle scoffs.

"Oh yeah, I forgot. You don't think," Jisung snickers. He catches Chenle's fist before it hits him.

Chenle shifts, propping his chin up with his hands. "I've been thinking...we've been together since high school. Now we're in our second year of university."

"Yeah, what's wrong with that?" Jisung frowns, tightening his grip on Chenle's waist. He doesn't like the sound of where this is headed.

"Nothing's wrong with it," Chenle assures, "I wouldn't be with you still if I didn't like you."

"Thanks," Jisung rolls his eyes.

"Don't be so dramatic. Anyways, yeah, it’s been on my mind lately. I was. Just. Thinking." Chenle flops back onto Jisung's chest, fingers tracing nonsensical patterns from his collarbone to the top of his ribcage. They linger above his heart on their way down.

"What brought this on?" Jisung tries to keep the panic from creeping into his voice but Chenle's always known him too well for that.

Chenle chews on his lower lip. "I was hanging out with Yangyang and Hendery and it came up somehow. They just told me it must be nice to have someone so early on. Hendery also asked if I thought things ever got too stagnant. He also said some other stuff."

"Stagnant?"

"Boring? I don't know. He just thought it was kind of limiting to 'one's emotional maturity' or something." Chenle mumbles.

Jisung pursues his lips as he processes Chenle’s, or rather Hendery's, words. It's nothing he hasn't heard before. Since he's come to university, it's been a hot topic whenever friends lament their love lives or complain about their matches on dating apps. "You two have always been together," Jaemin sometimes sighs wistfully as he oogles his latest crush, right now Jeno, across the table. "So lucky and _so so so cute_. My adorable babies."

He's seen the look of shock on classmates' faces when they learn that he and Chenle have been together for over three years and that Jisung started liking Chenle long before that. _That's a long time to be together_ , the nicer ones will say, but Jisung doesn't miss the judgemental tone in their voices. _Don’t you want to explore? You’re in university. Do you guys ever get tired of each other?_ the blunt ones will ask. _All the time, we drive each other up the wall_ , Jisung will laugh it off. They have squabbles over every small thing, to the point where their friends only sigh in resignation when they begin bickering, but at the end of the day, no one knows Jisung like Chenle does. How could he ever tire of Chenle? How could he ever tire of someone whose smile brings warmth to the top of his head and the tips of his toes? 

"Hey, do you think we should break up? For 'character development' or whatever?" Chenle inquires. He pokes Jisung's chest a couple of times for good measure.

Chenle's eyes are dark and uncertain, as he chews on his fingernails. Jisung wonders what's so wrong about falling in love with your childhood best friend that has everyone second-guessing them. They've grown up together, _grown_ together and despite all the rollercoasters Jisung wouldn't have it any other way. He gently takes Chenle's hand away from his mouth and places it on his own cheek. Chenle's face softens.

"I like the way we are right now," Jisung whispers. 

"Maybe we should break up," Chenle says two weeks later, when the conversation has been neatly filed away into the _Will Not Touch Now or Ever_ corner of Jisung’s mind, "Take a break for a month or two or something. It’d be good for us to try out new things. See new people."

Jisung's chopsticks drop and the food in his mouth turns sour. "You were actually serious about that."

"Yeah, I was," Chenle says but he's not looking Jisung in the eyes.

Jisung chest tightens, closing in on itself as the air in his lungs vanish. His stomach feels a thousand times worse than the time Chenle made him ride on the Viking boat at that one amusement park. Jisung can't breathe and he's surrounded by a deafening silence but Chenle's lips are moving. The whole room spins around a singular focal point. 

"Jisung." Chenle's voice is like an anchor, reeling him back in. Only, this time Jisung doesn't feel comforted by the familiar warmth when he finally meets Chenle's gaze.

He nods, not trusting himself to speak. If he opens his mouth, his guts and heart may spill out across the table.

"We don't–" Chenle starts.

And here's the thing about dating your best friend. Jisung knows Chenle; he sees the flicker in Chenle's eye, senses the way Chenle's fist tightens. What Jisung still doesn't understand, though, is _why_?

"Can we still stay friends?" Jisung interrupts. It's easier to focus on the steam rising out of the cheap paper bowl for ramen instead of the familiar depths of Chenle's eyes. If he looks for too long, gets lost in Chenle's gaze, he might find an answer he's not sure he's ready for.

Chenle scoffs, "As if you'd get rid of me that easily."

"As if you'd ever let me."

Chenle's lips stretch into a familiar smile. While the tension between them drops, Jisung's stomach is twisting itself into a million knots.

"Yeah, I would never let that happen." Chenle grins, in that carefree and cocksure way of his. Jisung wants nothing more than to kiss the smug smile off his face and put him in his place. 

"Hey! What was that for?" Chenle yelps as he catching Jisung's hands, stopping his fingers mid-flick-attack.

Jisung pouts. "I wanted to kiss you."

"So? Then just kiss me, nothing's stop–" Chenle's face flushes when he realizes his mistake.

"Maybe we can have until tomorrow morning?" Jisung asks, heart hammering against his chest as he pulls out his puppy-dog face, the one that he knows makes Chenle's knees weak and his resolve crumble. "I need to get my share of kisses before we officially break up."

And maybe they should be talking this out more and what this entails, or maybe Jisung should put words to the whispers in the back of his mind and to the dark shadows growing inside of him. Is it possible for a heart to shatter into thousands of brilliant, blood red crystals before it's ever been broken?

Chenle's breath fans across Jisung's face before he presses his lips to Jisung’s. Jisung pulls Chenle closer, until their chests are flush against one another and he can feel the familiar rhythm of Chenle's heartbeat.

"Always so needy," Chenle sighs when he finally pulls away.

Jisung tastes the salt of the Lao Ganma spice Chenle is ever so fond of using in his ramen and a dash of bitterness. "No, that's you," he quips on reflex before pulling Chenle in for another kiss.

Jisung and Chenle officially break up on a Tuesday morning, the eighth week into the semester. _New week, new us,_ Chenle had said before taking a gigantic bite out of Jisung's toast, grinning at him with a cheeky smile. Jisung had gotten no compensation for his missing breakfast. They were going to break up earlier, but Jisung had woken up that Monday morning to Chenle peppering his face with kisses, their previous agreement forgotten.

Thursday, Renjun finds the two of them on the couch.

"Didn't you guys break up?" He inquires, dropping into the chair across from them. He fixes them with a piercing gaze that tries to dissect them down to their very core. Jisung would like to hide his face in Chenle's neck but he's far too aware of what that would look like.

"We broke up, we didn’t become sworn enemies," Chenle rolls his eyes as he tugs Jisung in closer. "Besides, Jisung and I used to cuddle all the time way before we started dating. We've always been touchy."

Renjun raises an eyebrow. “Uh-huh," he says, but drops it.

Chenle scoffs, wrinkling his nose in annoyance before he resumes using Jisung as a glorified backrest while reading his paper. Renjun watches the whole exchange with sharp eyes and Jisung tries to ignore the way two lasers drill into his skull as he attempts to solve another question on his problem set. At least it's not Mark with the two of them, Jisung thinks as he wills himself to become smaller. That would be beyond awkward.

Since their break up, Jisung has spent the same amount of time with Chenle, if not even more. Tuesday morning had been a post-breakup breakfast and a post-breakup walk to their shared lecture. The entire time Chenle's arm had grazed against his and it took all of Jisung's willpower to not reach out and intertwine their fingers then and there. The entire lecture put his patience to the test; when they finally exited the suffocating lecture hall Jisung's hands were sore. He can't recall a single word that was spoken that morning.

Jisung sighs as he leans in towards the source of warmth. Right now, Chenle still smells like him. They’re about a week overdue for laundry by this point. 

The thing is, Chenle told Jisung that if he needed it, they could take a break, an actual break, and put some distance between each other. He spoke softly then, rubbing circles into Jisung's palm, as he talked about setting up boundaries and that all Jisung needed to do was say the word.

Then, all Jisung could think about was not having Chenle's familiar presence by his side. All he could think about was being unable to pull Chenle in his arms and see Chenle throw his head back as he wheezed with laughter, eyes sparkling with mirth. Jisung can’t imagine not seeing the fond exasperation in Chenle's eyes after he hits Jisung in retaliation.

"It's fine," Jisung had whispered under the soft blankets of darkness, Chenle's face inches away from his, before pressing a soft kiss to the corner of Chenle's mouth.

Jisung doesn't want to let Chenle go and selfishly he hopes that if they still touch like they're two halves of a whole, no one else will sweep in and take Chenle away in their arms. Chenle shines far too bright to go unnoticed; he's a star and Jisung's a simple planet spinning round and round, hoping that a stray meteor won't knock him away into the cold depths of space.

Jisung knows he's a man living on borrowed time when he wakes to Jeno's text Saturday morning. _Watch out_. Jisung's body snaps awake with alertness unwarranted for a Saturday morning. He gasps as he reaches for his glasses on the nightstand. He's in the middle of tugging on the nearest sweater when the stampede meets his door. Thank god his roommate is never here, Jisung thinks as he runs a hand through his hair, praying that it looks acceptable.

"Jisungie," Jaemin chirps with a large grin that screams trouble, "I haven't seen you all week and I'm finally done with exams. Let's get breakfast?"

"Only if you pay," Jisung mutters.

Jaemin leans in, sniffing Jisung, then wrinkles his nose when he pulls back. "Brush your teeth first then we're talking."

It's the first sign that something is wrong because Jaemin, despite his overflowing love for Jisung, always tries to get Jisung to split the cost or spends a good fifteen minutes talking his ear off about how he literally birthed Jisung and raising a child is very expensive, don't you know? So, if Jisung feels a bit bratty and spends twenty minutes fixing his hair instead of his usual fifteen, who's to blame him?

Jaemin fills the silence on their walk to the small hole-in-the-wall restaurant that makes the best pancakes known to mankind. He complains about how difficult his exams were and how, despite _just having a comprehensive midterm_ , they still have a problem set due at the end of next week and this one is notorious for being difficult. He tells Jisung how he may have gone back to drinking the disgusting eight shot concoction he's so terribly fond of but yesterday when they were at the coffee shop, Donghyuck changed his order at the very last minute. Jaemin whines about not seeing Jisung since Monday and at that, Jisung winces. It's not that he's intentionally been avoiding Jaemin, who can sniff out Jisung's teenage-borderline-adult angst like a dog, but Jaemin had exams and Jisung, well, yeah.

Jaemin continues to lament the fact that his meals for the past week consisted of ramen and take-out because he doesn't trust Jeno to use their kitchen unless he's washing their dishes. Jisung placates Jaemin and assures him that yes, next time Jaemin has exams he won't disappear off the face of the earth and he'll be there to be Jaemin's personal cheerleader. Jisung allows Jaemin to poke and prod at his cheeks as they're being seated, reasoning that the path to least resistance is the easiest way out of the mess that's to come.

Jisung is halfway into his second pancake when Jaemin sets down his fork, clearing his throat before staring Jisung down.

"So."

"So," Jisung parrots. He swallows the rest of the pancake in two bites, the maple syrup sticky and sweet as it slips down, clogging up his throat.

Jaemin smiles _that_ smile, the one that spells Jisung's doom. "So, do you want to explain that text Tuesday morning?"

Jisung shrugs. There’s not much to say. "Chenle and I broke up."

Jaemin sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. It's the sigh he used when Jisung insisted he'd be fine riding without Jaemin on the rollercoasters on their summer camp field trip only to waddle into Jaemin's arms, sobbing his tiny seven-year-old heart out, an hour later. It's the same sigh Jaemin uses every time Jisung comes over and usurps Jaemin's bed, long limbs stretching to reach every corner. Jaemin has known Jisung since he was a snot-dripping infant in diapers but it's okay, Jisung has known Jaemin since he threw a three-hour tantrum because their shared babysitter gave him a plate of strawberry-flavored biscuits as a snack. Jaemin is relentless when it comes to Jisung but Jisung has years of experience dodging his arrows.

"And?" Jaemin frowns, "Please, Jisung, you and Chenle are like two peas in a pod. Also, just a text? No phone call or anything else?"

"You were busy with finals," Jisung mutters.

Jaemin rolls his eyes. "And you already know I don't mind. Didn't stop you last time."

Jisung sinks into his chair, the background clatter of silverware overpowering him. Last time was when Jaemin was a freshman and Jisung was a high school senior, having a mental breakdown about what to do for his and Chenle's anniversary. This time, Jisung's mouth turns bitter at the thought of what happened this time.

"Chenle wanted to take a break. Meet new people, expand our circles. Find ourselves, or something like that."

"Yeah...?"

"I mean, it's fine. We both agreed to it and we're still friends."

Jaemin's gaze cuts through Jisung and lays him open for dissection. And Jisung doesn't know how to say he's not entirely happy with what he and Chenle have right now, but it's enough. Can't they just find themselves together like they've been doing? Jaemin's eyes soften and he pulls Jisung into a hug. Jisung's lip quivers and he wills the pinpricks of heat in his eyes to recede.

"You know I'm always here for you, right?" Jaemin murmurs.

"Yeah," Jisung answers, swallowing the lump in his throat, "I know."

Not dating Chenle is, surprisingly, more normal than Jisung expects.

Maybe it's because they've always been best friends before they became something more. Jisung's not sure when the fine line between friendship and love blurred, his feelings for Chenle spilling across the boundary until they became too much for Jisung and poured out of him. He's not sure when the wide, bright-eyed smiles just between the two of them became charged with something deeper, or if there was any difference in the first place. For Jisung and Chenle there was no landmark, no _ah-ha_ moment, that marked the start of something new. They simply grew together, hand in hand, ready to embark on their continuing adventure.

It's easy to fall back into a variation of their old rhythm. They still squabble every opportunity they get, always pinching and poking each other. Chenle teases him relentlessly in front of their friends and sometimes, when Jisung turns to look at Chenle and he's blinded by Chenle's grin, he forgets that they aren't dating anymore.

Not dating Chenle is also more painful in unexpected ways.

It's probably because they're not dating in name only. Chenle still leans into him whenever Donghyuck relays a funny story or Renjun says something particularly witty. They still walk to class together and sit next to each other, bodies pressed against one another to create their own shared heater in the lecture hall. Jisung finds himself constantly fixing Chenle's hair and swatting his hands out of the way so he doesn't chew on his fingernails. He's not sure how to feel about this arrangement. Every time their hands brush against one another, Jisung needs to remind himself that technically, that's not something they should be doing. Still, Chenle seems content with their arrangement. He was never one for casual touches until they began dating.

Jisung knows that their situation bewilders their friends. There's no way it can't confound them, not with how half of them have grown up with Jisung and Chenle. Jisung doesn't miss the occasional glances they send each other when they think the two of them aren't looking. Their attempts to tiptoe around the subject are more akin to stomping right over it. It throws Jisung off-kilter as if Chenle asking him for an opinion on his dating profile wasn't weird enough.

Which brings Jisung to the current situation.

They're in a restaurant with Mark, who's finally had enough time between juggling his Master's and his side gig to actually surface from the depths of his apartment. His eyes keep darting to the way they're seated next to one another, thigh against thigh, Jisung's heart pressed against the side of Chenle's rib cage. He wonders if Chenle can feel the pounding of his heart. Or, if he cares enough to.

"Is something wrong?" Chenle asks, sucking noisily on the remaining bits of his soda.

 _No,_ Jisung thinks, absolutely peachy.

"Nothing!" Mark squeaks, pink dusting his cheeks. Mark is the worst liar known to mankind, Chenle coming in a close second.

"Can I have some of your drink?" Chenle elbows Jisung. His hands are already around Jisung's can of Coke.

Jisung frowns. "You have your own."

"But mine's gone. I finished it."

"Yeah, and this is mine." Jisung pouts.

Unfortunately, what Zhong Chenle wants, Zhong Chenle gets. "Just one sip?" Chenle looks at him with those wide, dark eyes that make Jisung's knees turn weak and his heart melt into a pile of mush. The worst part is that Jisung _knows_ Chenle doesn't do it on purpose because he does it to everyone. A quiver of the lip, a dip of the head, and _bam_ , another person falling for Zhong Chenle's charms once again.

"Fine," Jisung relents, " _One._ Sip." He knows he's going to regret it in about fifteen seconds but the delight in Chenle's eyes as he lunges for the straw is worth it. Jisung tells himself he'll make it up by stealing the rest of Chenle's fries. Maybe a bit of his burger too.

When he turns back, mouth full of Chenle's fries, there's a curious expression on Mark's face. Jisung's ears burn when he meets Mark's eyes. In high school, before they started dating, it wasn't uncommon for Jisung to just hand over his food after Chenle batted his eyes, or even _before_ he pulled any puppy dog eyes. So in all honesty, it's not anything new. But all their friends keep looking at him like _that_ , with a puzzled gaze and a thoughtful glint in their eyes, like they know a secret that Jisung doesn't.

"You've been acting weird this whole time," Chenle remarks. He half-heartedly swats at Jisung's hand.

"Maybe he's going senile from old age," Jisung mumbles around a mouthful of Chenle's burger.

"I'm like three years older than you two!"

"Yeah, but just last week you were asking me about oriental clinics recommendations," Chenle retorts.

"Ancient," Jisung snickers, bumping his shoulder against Chenle. "A fossil." Chenle grins back at him, warm and familiar. It’s fine, Jisung tells himself, they’re fine. 

Jisung had started making a memory box for Chenle's birthday back in the summer, inspiration striking like a lightning bolt on a rainy night after Donghyuck forced him to binge watch dramas with him. He had slowly started collecting the items before the fall semester began, asking his mother to make a photocopy of the one old photo from summer camp and digging out the old movie ticket from their first date. Still, thinking it wasn’t enough, Jisung panicked and spent a week watching different DIY videos on YouTube until he finally found something that even his magical hands couldn’t mess up: a key ring.

"You didn't have to," Chenle murmurs.

Jisung doesn’t give gifts. Not often, anyways. Halfway into middle school, when gifts were no longer obligatory for classmates because Jisung stopped going to their birthday parties, he stopped giving them. It’s one of Jaemin’s biggest gripes.

"I wanted to," Jisung responds, "You're my best friend, still, after all."

It's an honest confession, the whispers of Jisung's heart spoken aloud for Chenle to hear. Chenle's eyes glimmer with reverence.

Chenle falls silent, head tilted down as his fingers run back and forth across the decorated acrylic, shaking the charms on the key ring. When he looks up, the raw emotion in his eyes overpowers Jisung. His eyes follow the bob of Chenle's Adam's apple. The air between them hums with a tension of two boys who once knew each other like the back of their own hand. For a brief second, Jisung thinks Chenle is going to reach up and cup his jaw, pulling him in for a kiss.

Chenle smacks Jisung's arm. It stings.

"You're such a sap, Park Jisung." He scoffs, but the corner of his lips quirk upwards.

"Yeah, yeah."

Jisung is currently in one of his favorite positions: Chenle's head on his lap as Jisung absentmindedly runs his fingers through Chenle's hair, his free hand attempting to Latex his answers to a problem set. Chenle has one arm wrapped around Jisung's waist, hand curled loosely around his side. The other is holding up his phone as he vigorously texts with his thumb.

Chenle shifts his arm. Not even a minute later, he moves again, causing his elbow to dig painfully into Jisung's thigh. Inwardly, Jisung sighs to himself. Chenle has always been easy to read, especially when he wants all eyes on him.

"Do you remember Felix?" Chenle blurts.

Jisung frowns. "Yeah. I do."

How could he not remember Felix? Lee Felix, who sat across from them in their freshmen physics lab. He and Chenle would often talk to each other in English, smiling and joking with one another as their conversations flew over Jisung’s head. Felix was nice though, always smiling, always happy. Unlike Jisung, he doesn’t have poop hands and can actually bake. Several times he brought brownies to share and Chenle would not stop talking about them for days afterwards. (To be fair, they were amazing brownies. 10.5/10.) Jisung knows he can get irrationally jealous and pouty– as Jaemin puts it– when it comes to Chenle's attention or lack thereof. Right now, the twisting, curling ball of emotion in the pit of his stomach isn't just jealousy.

"What about him?" Jisung chews on the inside of his cheeks.

"He asked me on a date," Chenle remarks nonchalantly. Then, as if Jisung didn't believe him, he gives Jisung a full view of his and Felix's messages on the dating app he's been using. 

(Jisung _does not_ inwardly cheer at the fact that Lee Felix still doesn't have Chenle's number.)

"Oh," Jisung says. "Are you going to go?"

Chenle shrugs, far too casually for Jisung's liking. "I mean, I always thought he was kind of cute." Jealousy awakens in the bottom of Jisung’s stomach, blinding his vision with green. Chenle rarely calls people cute. He used to only say that about Jisung, after he bowed awkwardly and shuffled off stage after dance performances or when he puffed his cheeks out in frustration while gaming.

"Since we had lab together freshmen year?"

"Yeah? I guess? Just never really thought about it before." Chenle answers, scrunching his face in confusion.

"I see," Jisung shuts his laptop. "Why are you telling me this?"

Chenle frowns. "Because you're my friend? My best friend?"

Best friend. Favorite person. These titles are something that Jisung has always treasured and worn with pride. Every time Chenle used them, Jisung would take extreme satisfaction in knowing that his feelings were reciprocated and others knew that Chenle loved him as much as he loved Chenle. Right now, the moniker is like a knife in his gut, twisting as Chenle plunges it deeper into his chest. 

Jisung closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He can feel the well of tears threatening to spill at any moment. “I think I need some space,” he blurts, not daring to look at Chenle’s face before he hurries to excuse himself. Chenle doesn’t have time to respond but still, Jisung doesn’t escape the room quickly enough.

It's weird, going from seeing someone almost every day to not at all. It throws Jisung off balance, making him stumble through the days as though he put on two left shoes and wore his jacket inside-out. (Okay, he _did_ have his shirt on backward the other day, but that's beside the point.)

There's an ache inside of him, like he's experiencing the pain from a phantom limb. It doesn't help that Jaemin has been giving him peculiar side-glances when he thinks Jisung isn't looking. He's been hovering over Jisung since he came to Jaemin's apartment, eyes red and face blotchy, because he wasn't sure where else to go after his heart got trampled over the second time.

To be fair, it's Jisung driving the wedge between them, putting up invisible barriers and walls that he doesn't have to. That same night he asked Chenle if he could have some space, take an _actual_ break from each other, after he had cried his heart out, he had laid on his bed in his empty room, phone in hand. A simple _goodnight_ had never felt so sour and acidic before. The very next day, Jisung took all possible measures to avoid Chenle, skipping out on their shared lectures, and avoiding their typical lunch haunts. He's been taking extra care this past week to avoid all his usual routes to classes, offering Chenle weak excuses when he asks Jisung if he would like to get lunch together sometime this week or next week because there's a new dish at the Korean barbecue restaurant he likes. He can tell that Chenle is trying to give him room, his texts simple and far fewer than what they were before. It takes Jisung far longer to respond to a funny video that Chenle sends him than it should, an invisible hand gripping his heart and squeezing it so hard until he can't breathe.

"You're avoiding him," Jeno says to him at the end of the following week.

They're both lying on the hardwood floor, dripping with sweat and in desperate need of a shower. Jisung is currently debating the nutritional benefits of eating ramen for the eighth day in a row and how to find the lower bound on problem five of his homework.

"I've been busy," Jisung mumbles. There's the upcoming performance and competition their dance team is putting on, plus three of Jisung's professors decided it would be great to assign problem sets on _top_ of the final projects, for the last couple of weeks. Jisung should've swapped the second physics class out for something else. Regrets.

Jeno snorts. "Chenle's been kind of unbearable this past week."

Jisung swallows the lump in his throat. It takes a lot for Jeno, infinitely patient and too-nice-for-his-own-good, to reach his tipping point. Especially when it comes to Chenle.

"I needed some room," Jisung pushes himself up.

Recently, the thought of seeing Chenle, of talking to Chenle, has filled Jisung with so much dread it's like he's drowning in the middle of the ocean. His heart seizes with some sort of anxiety and thinking of Chenle out there and happy with others, without Jisung, makes his mouth feel rancid. The embers of Jisung's jealousy is nothing new, but now they've ignited a fire deep within him. The ugly, gnarled roots ensnaring his heart in their trap.

He knows he doesn't have the right to this possessiveness– has always known this– but it doesn't stop Jisung from feeling this way. Maybe now that Chenle is seeing other people, no longer tied to Jisung, he'll find someone that makes him happier. Then, he'll realize how Jisung's been holding him back all these years and he was only with him out of some twisted sense of obligation and pity.

Chenle shines so brightly, there isn't a single person who isn't drawn to him. He deserves to be happy, Jisung _wants_ Chenle to be happy. If Chenle asked, Jisung would pluck the sun from the sky for him. His scorched hands wouldn’t feel any pain and Jisung would hand the sun over with the brightest smile he could manage. Maybe Chenle was right to suggest they should take a break, find themselves, find _someone else_.

Some part of Jisung, buried deep within him behind several iron walls, knows that all he has to do is text Chenle back, say hi to him, walk with him to lectures again. Just _anything_ and Chenle will smile that million-watt smile, waiting patiently with open arms until Jisung has a hold of himself. And yet his fear speaks louder, filling every fiber of his being. Maybe it's not the right thing to do, to cling onto Chenle like this. Chenle has the potential to be so much more than he could ever be if Jisung were to stick by his side.

"He misses you," Jeno says carefully.

"I need a bit more time," Jisung argues, the words sounding hollow even to his own ears. It's far easier to ruminate in his thoughts, agonizing over the endless possibilities than it is to take a leap into the unknown.

"Greetings, my minion," Donghyuck announces, "I have received news that you were in the slumps and I am here to offer a solution."

Jisung squints, pushing himself up from Jaemin's lap. "Since when was I your minion?" He also pinches Renjun, giving him a pointed glare.

"You, my friend, need to get out there and expand your horizons. Meet new people," Donghyuck says.

Donghyuck's words slice through Jisung's heart, straight through the most tender part. Jisung is currently “in the slumps'', as they say, and has been for the past week after seeing Felix and Chenle holding hands in the student center cafeteria, getting hamburgers and curly fries together. Jaemin had innocently mentioned that Felix and Chenle had been dating for a little while after Jisung, predictably, came running straight to him.

Unaware of how he just ripped the bandage painstakingly wrapped by Jaemin and Renjun, Donghyuck shoves Renjun aside and pulls Jisung close.

"And how exactly am I supposed to do that?" Jisung deadpans.

"With a dating profile," Donghyuck waves his phone in front of Jisung's face. "I already took the liberties of setting one up for you. Watch and learn, young padawan."

"You what?"

Jisung lunges for Donghyuck's phone, pushing the older boy back and ignoring the painful crack resulting from two heads colliding. He swipes through the photos, frowning at the one of him gazing into the distance inside a ski resort, cup of hot chocolate in one hand. He pauses at the slightly blurry selfie of him dripping with sweat, lying down on the dance practice floor. His hair is in disarray, dark and matted with sweat, but Jisung's grin stretches across his face in a fond smile. There's no way Donghyuck could have this photo. Donghyuck only screenshots their bad Snapchats and he never saves anyone’s photos unless they can be used as blackmail. Jisung only sent that selfie to one person because he was feeling kind of cute that day.

"Where did you get these?" Jisung demands, pointing to his main profile picture. He's lying on the bed, a warm orange light framing his face and his lips are curled in a slight smile. Jisung's arm is extended, as though he were reaching out to whatever person viewing his profile, about to cup their cheek. His face burns at the intimacy of it.

"I asked Jaemin to send me his favorite photos of you," Donghyuck answers.

Jisung frowns, glaring at Jaemin. Jaemin dismisses his blatant look of betrayal.

"Yes, yes. Don't you think he looks so cute here? Jisung's so adorable, just look at that smile," Jaemin coos.

Jisung's skin prickles with discomfort. There's an itch underneath his skin and no matter how hard he scratches, it doesn't disappear.

"And you thought this was a good idea, why?"

"Because it's my idea and thus a brilliant idea," Donghyuk scoffs.

"Yeah, because your idea to use Jeno and pretend to be a couple to get a discount ended up turning out so well," Jisung mutters. Donghyuck had gotten banned from the restaurant. Jeno, on the other hand, only received a light scolding from the owner.

"Please, have some faith," Donghyuck says. "My ideas have a 37.5 percent success rate. Besides, the last time you followed through on one of them, you–"

Jaemin lunges across Jisung, pinching Donghyuck's arm. Donghyuck's eyes widen in alarm, flickering towards Jisung. His face is full of regret and his eyes water as Jaemin continues to twist the small bit of skin. Jisung's been on the receiving end of that pinch one too many times.

Last time Donghyuck coerced Jisung into following one of his plans (re: threatened him and wouldn't stop pestering him for two weeks straight) was his second to last year of high school. He somehow convinced Jisung to handmake chocolates (all of Jisung's were burnt beyond saving, he ended up using Jaemin's) and wrap them in fancy, nice paper that no high school student would ever splurge on. The plan was to deliver them in-person the day after Valentine's Day, as specified by the card that Donghyuck slipped into Chenle's locker, but Donghyuck forgot that Chenle had piano lessons that day. So, Jisung ended up sneaking furtive glances for fifteen minutes in the corner away from Chenle's locker two days after Valentine's Day, feeling like he wanted to vomit and the package he painstakingly wrapped slipping in his sweaty palms. Without Donghyuck's literal shove, Jisung wouldn't have stumbled forward, crashing into Chenle and smushing the chocolates in the process. He wouldn't have spewed his feelings out a million words per minute and picked up his heart from the ground, with the chocolates, as an offering for Chenle. Most importantly, as Donghyuck _and Jaemin_ like to remind him, they wouldn't have gotten together.

Jisung's throat tightens and his skin crawls. Renjun looks at the three of them, bewilderment stamped across his face.

Donghyuck coughs, clearing his throat. "Anyways, the point is that I sometimes have amazing ideas and you should really listen to me."His eyes widen and he juts his lower lip out. If Jisung was another one of their friends, maybe Mark or Jeno, Donghyuck's pleading eyes and pout would work on him.

"Please? I spent a lot of time making your profile," Donghyuck begs.

Jisung's fists tighten until his fingernails dig into the soft flesh of his palms. His skin stings with the same discomfort. Jisung wants to rip it off, tear it off until the pain numbs him. That, at least, is preferable to Donghyuck's expectant look. Jaemin meets his gaze and Jisung’s stomach drops at the wistful look in his eyes.

"One date wouldn't hurt..." Jaemin muses. 

"Just one?" Donghyuck leaps, "Your pick. I'll take care of all your DMs and everything. If you hate it, you never have to do it again and I'll delete your profile." He pleads.

Annoyance spikes from the pit of Jisung's stomach and he's reminded of his introvertedness once again. All his life, people have been pushing him to break out of his shell and meet new people. His mother spent all of elementary school fretting over him and the way he only stuck to Jaemin and Donghyuck and later on, Mark. Even Jaemin sometimes casually suggests he should "get out and meet new people'' but the thought of doing so makes Jisung's throat hurt and his blood freeze. Jisung would rather stay up until the break of dawn playing video games or contemplating life with one of his friends than go to social gatherings. In high school, he used nonexistent dance practices and the pretense of a concerned mother as excuses to avoid these types of things. Now, he simply pretends to have more problem sets than he actually does to avoid parties. He's happy with his friends and the way things are right now. (Well, mostly happy. _That_ goes unspoken.)

When Jisung meets Donghyuck's eyes, the annoyance melts away. Hope and excitement glimmers in his friend's eyes; Jisung knows that they're only looking out for him. So, he shoves the apprehension into the dark door in the corner of his mind. He swallows his dread before he acquiesces, "Fine. Just one date."

Jisung has spent the past ten minutes flipping through the menu in front of him. He's exhausted and his nerves are frazzled by Jaemin and Renjun's combined fussing. Jaemin had spent fifteen minutes adjusting then readjusting the collar of Jisung's flannel. It had taken all of Jisung's persuasive skills to stop Renjun from getting a booth three seats down in the cafe. In the end, he settled for squatting at the library across the street, only reminding Jisung six different times that he and Jaemin were less than five minutes away. Though now, Jisung almost wishes he hadn't tried so hard to get rid of Renjun. His date is ten minutes late but Jisung hasn't texted any of his friends in a panicked frenzy even though his brain is screaming at him to get out.

"Hey," someone pants, sliding into the seat across from him. "Sorry, I'm late."

Jisung smiles. "It's fine." It's not.

Sungchan is tall, maybe as tall as Johnny, but not nearly as broad. Even with the thick winter jacket and scarf Jisung can see how he stretches long and lanky. Sungchan catches Jisung's gaze, lips stretching into a smile between two flushed cheeks.

Jisung's fingers tighten on the menu.

"Did you already order?" Sungchan asks.

"No, I was waiting for you."

Sungchan's eyes crinkle into crescents and Jisung forces his lips to quirk upwards. He hopes he doesn't look constipated. There's no reason for him to be so on edge, but Sungchan was ten minutes late and Jisung is as social as a brick wall.

An awkward silence fills the space between them as they wait for their food. Jisung puffs his cheeks in and out as he wills himself to not take another glance out the window. Eight times in five minutes is a bit too much. Jisung settles for counting the grooves on the napkin in front of him, willing the clock on the far wall to move faster, or for their food to come, or just _something._

"So, you're also taking complex..." Sungchan tries, "I've seen you around the lecture hall with Chenle but not much besides that."

Jisung fist grips his glass with enough force that his knuckles whiten. That was the class he took a semester early because all serious physicists took the class, and Chenle was also planning on taking it.

"We can help each other study," Chenle had said, smirking, gazing at Jisung's courses planned for the next semester.

"We're never studying by the end," Jisung muttered, "I actually want to pass this class, you know."

"It's okay, I don't mind carrying your ass through our problem sets," Chenle had winked. It had sent a hot flush down the back of Jisung's neck and ended up in a small scuffle with Chenle pinned below Jisung.

Sungchan's comment is a clear invitation for Jisung to open up about himself and make small talk. It's absolutely innocuous and harmless and really, it's not the first time someone's casually made a remark related to Chenle. Just last week Yangyang asked him if he and Chenle would like to play a few rounds of PUBG again and the hot spikes of anger and resentment were left burning deep inside Jisung until he went to sleep.

“Yeah, I usually don’t leave my room or the library,” Jisung says. _Or the dance studio_ , he wants to add, but the thought of revealing something more frightens him. 

“That’s nice,” Sungchan replies. He drums his fingertips against the table. 

Jisung puffs out his cheeks, wincing at his own lack of social ability. He hides his grimace behind a sip of his soda, bracing himself for the remainder of the date.

"So? How was your date?" Renjun inquires.

"Great! Wonderful. Would absolutely do it again," Jisung grits.

Renjun raises an eyebrow. "That bad, huh?"

"No," Jisung mutters into his backpack. Renjun's fingers rub circles into the back of Jisung's head, soothing the migraine he's had the entire afternoon. "It wasn't awful. Apparently Sungchan's also in complex and I just never knew."

Renjun snorts. "Of course."

"He asked me to collaborate on our next problem set. Then get dinner after."

"And what did you say?" Renjun's eyes cause Jisung to squirm. Always so observant, so discerning. 

Jisung swallows the lump in his throat. "I said maybe."

Renjun pulls Jisung in towards his side. “Well, good thing I’ve also taken complex and can always help you if you need it.”

“Thanks,” Jisung mumbles. He plays with the zipper on his jacket, unsure of how to properly express his gratitude. 

Despite the fierce and uncaring image Renjun likes to portray, he’s quite soft and considerate. No wonder Chenle had taken so quickly to Renjun when they first came to university, with his sharp-witted retorts but an understanding heart. Jisung’s numerous midnight talks in the university observatory with Renjun, once he got past the initial bite, have only solidified Renjun’s kindness. Jisung sighs, sinking into Renjun’s side. If the universe is vast and infinite then why does the absence of one person hurt so much?

They first met at an end-of-summer concert for a performing arts summer program when they were ten. Two different camps brought together to rehearse a stage that would be televised both on national channels for Korea and China. Jisung’s assigned seat was next to Chenle and it was awkward because he didn’t know Chinese and Chenle didn’t know Korean. It wasn’t until they were going through another runthrough, earbuds firmly plugged in, when they saw that they both had the same colored iPods. The mutual wonder sparked the start of their brief friendship that was soon forgotten after the program ended and the long summer days shortened.

The next time they met was in last year of junior high: Chenle, the new kid in Jisung's homeroom that barely spoke Korean. It was rare for them to get new classmates; everyone in Jisung's year had grown up running down the large hill outside the elementary school and shoving each other out of the way to get an extra turn on the slide. They'd raced each other with their bikes, eyes shining as they followed the designated "cool" kid into town to the ice cream parlor. Jisung's classmates had formed their own group of friends, firmly sticking to one another as though it were law, only to break their friend circles then reform them again, as all children do.

Chenle was the new shiny thing in town and as soon as lunch started, Jisung's classmates crowded in on him, circling him like a pack of wolves. Back then Jisung was even shyer around strangers than he is now, and with such a large group of people, he wasn't going to fight his way through. That first week had Chenle bouncing between different groups, each trying to claim the new Chinese transfer student as their own in a vicious fight to seem cooler in the eyes of junior high school students.

By the end of the following week, Chenle was still the talk of the school. He flitted around from lunch table to lunch table, always smiling and nodding, still an enigma to everyone.

"Hi," Chenle had dropped his tray in front of Jisung, kimchi jjigae sloshing out, flashing him a smile. It was softer than the smile he had given when the teacher made him introduce himself, awkward but confident. It was different from the ones he had when their classmates pulled him to their tables, pleasantly listening to them chatter about him without ever _talking_ to him.

"What's your name?" Chenle had demanded, rather than asked.

"Jisung. Park Jisung." Jisung had answered. "We're in the same homeroom."

"I know," Chenle had said.

Jisung, unable to bear the uncomfortable silence that had settled over them despite the cacophony in the background, had kept on fidgeting until he finally blurted, "Why don't you sit with the other kids? They like you."

It was their last year of junior high when Chenle and Jisung met. Donghyuck and Jaemin were happily suffering through the pains of high school five minutes away and Mark was already in his second year. Thus, Jisung spent most of his time alone. He still got to see his friends outside of school but it was different. Back then, the gap between high school and junior high had seemed like an insurmountable wall. Absolutely terrifying.

And maybe Jisung did spend too much of his childhood sticking to Jaemin then to Donghyuck when the two became friends, and finally Mark when Donghyuck had dragged the new kid from Canada to play with them. None of the kids had really known Jisung and Jisung hadn't really known them, not since daycare. _Why don't you hang out with the other kids? Can't you tell?_

Chenle's eyebrows had knit together in concentration, and he had looked like he was deep in thought– or deep in translation. "You seem interesting," Chenle had finally said, although it seemed like he had wanted to say more.

And the rest– the rest was history.

"You aren't coming back for _all_ of winter break this year?" His mother repeats. "But you and Chenle always come back together every break. It's your thing."

Every break, on the last day of classes, Chenle and Jisung would stay up late watching movies and playing video games until their eyes burned from the screen. They'd gorge themselves on snacks then spend the morning in a frenzy, shoving clothes into their duffel bags and tossing the wrappers into the trash in a hurry so they wouldn't miss the train back home. They would fall asleep on each other, sunlight warming their faces, before some sixth sense jolted them awake minutes before their stop.

"No," Jisung says patiently. "I have...some school stuff I need to do. It's easier to concentrate here."

"Oh." His mother sounds disappointed. "Are you sure you'll be okay?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine, mom. I'll be back during Christmas and New Years'. Mark's also here for all of break."

"Hm, okay then."

Silence. Jisung drums his fingers on the desk.

"Is there anything else?" He blurts.

"You know, you can always come back earlier if you change your mind," his mother says in that knowing voice of hers. It scares Jisung, how easily she can guess his feelings and sense that he's spending too much time buried in the endless possibilities of his own thoughts.

Jisung thanks his mother and hangs up feeling emptier than he did before. Exams are over and he has all of winter break to look forward to. He can finally sleep in without the overwhelming feeling of guilt and deadlines hanging over his head. Yet, none of those thoughts are on Jisung's mind as he watches the snow blanket the world in pure white.

The solitude that comes with winter break is both a blessing and curse. Jisung sleeps as he pleases and wakes with the late-rising sun. He dutifully responds to Jaemin's check-in texts before listlessly passing through each day.

The first few days of break are still okay. He spends the day before Donghyuck goes back home lounging around and stealing Donghyuck's roommate's snacks, playing video games, and talking with Donghyuck until their voices are hoarse. They video call Renjun, who already flew back to China a week ago because his finals ended earlier. After Jisung sees Donghyuck off at the train stop– not without a tight hug and promises to take Donghyuck's boxed meals so he doesn't die of malnutrition– the deep itch underneath his skin returns.

Everywhere he goes, he's followed by the phantom of his own thoughts, soft whispers growing louder until they're chanting and Jisung is drowning in a sea of _what ifs_ and _maybes_. He spends most of the day inside the dance studio, no longer subject to regimented student schedules, working up a sweat until his body is too sore to move. It's as he's walking back to the dorm, inhaling the crisp air, that his ghosts become more visible against the backdrop of white. Without Jeongin in their room, Jisung feels lonelier than before. The distinct lack of another messy bunk, an unaccounted for Snickers wrapper, speaking louder than words.

"Maybe you can sleep over at Mark's," Renjun suggests on one of their many video chats, when Jisung's insecurities get a bit too loud and too real for his liking. Renjun winces as something loud crashes in the background of his call before shouting in Chinese.

"Hey, listen, I need to go before my sister burns down the house," Renjun says, worry creasing his forehead. "Just text me, 'kay?"

"It's fine. Go save your house."

"We'll call tomorrow?" Renjun asks and Jisung nods.

He's left to suffer in the suffocating silence of his own room again, eyes staring out the window. Even with the video calls, the occasional hangouts with Mark, there's still too much time for Jisung to fall into the same trap. He feels bad bothering his friends and unloading a cart full of worries that have plagued him the whole semester. It's easier to keep them bundled up inside of himself, wrapped tightly and tangled together, meant for him to slowly unravel in the middle of the night.

"Want to stay over until you head back?" Mark asks the next day when Jisung meets him and his roommate, Taeyong, for dinner.

Since Jisung and Chenle stopped talking to each other, he's only seen Mark a handful of times. It feels a bit awkward around him still because it used to be their thing, grabbing a meal together with Mark. And now, in his and Chenle's strange reverse divorce, Mark has taken Chenle's side. Or rather, Chenle had implicitly claimed Mark because he's always been fond of the older boy, ever since Jisung introduced them and Chenle's English was better than his stilted Korean. Or maybe Jisung’s just projecting his thoughts and insecurities again. Still, he’d rather run away from his problems because it’s far easier.

Jisung wonders which of his friends put Mark up to this. It couldn't possibly be Jaemin– he doesn't have WiFi until Christmas.

"Like the old days?" Jisung asks.

The old days where Donghyuck decided to barge into Mark's life, bringing Jaemin and Jisung with him. They'd chase him around the playground then bully him relentlessly at whoever's house they were having a sleepover at that week. Later, it would turn into seeing who could embarrass Mark more during lunchtime, wandering into the upperclassmen hallways to hunt Mark down and pester him until he pushed them away with exasperated sighs.

Mark pales. "I’d rather not drink a cup of saltwater for losing Brawl again."

Taeyong's eyes widen in surprise, like a startled cat. "You _what_?"

"Nothing," Mark laughs nervously, "Hey, does Kun still have that spare mattress?"

In retrospect, Jisung should have guessed that the Kun that lives above Mark and Taeyong is the same "mama Kun" in the math department that Chenle is so keen on. Jisung knows very little about Kun besides the fact he organizes activities for the international Chinese students, is a postdoc, and makes some of the best food Jisung's ever tasted. Kun often treats Chenle to meals, outside of the weekly Chinese student lunches, and sends him to Jisung with an extra container or five.

He spends ten of the most awkward minutes of his life moving the mattress from Kun's apartment with him because Kun was too nice to let Mark or Taeyong help and Jisung felt bad.

Once they've finished, Jisung wipes his sweaty palms on his jeans. Kun is standing in the doorway as if he knows.

"Is, uh, he doing well?" Jisung inquires, cringing at his own voice.

"That's something you should ask him yourself," Kun says. It's not the answer Jisung thought he would get but it's not the answer he was dreading. "If you're here after New Years' we should get a meal. It'd be great to get to know you."

Jisung mumbles an agreement, allows Kun to exchange numbers with him, and promises to follow through on his offer.

With Mark and Taeyong, the days are less empty. It's easier to distract himself by sitting in the kitchen under the guise of helping but becoming Taeyong's personal taste tester. (Not that he needs it. Jisung won't ever admit this but Taeyong's food is better than his mom's.) He helps Mark set up their miniature plastic Christmas tree and obliterates him in Brawl every night after dinner. They watch bad holiday films afterwards and the night always ends with the three of them teary-eyed.

By the time Jisung gets back home for Christmas his head is still muddled with a thousand thoughts that need to be carefully sorted, but his body feels lighter than it has all semester. At home, he stuffs himself full of his mom's cooking and allows her to drag him out of the house. Jaemin coerces him into ice skating and they laugh as Mark stumbles across the ice rink and Jisung clings onto Jaemin's hands for dear life as they skate in circles.

It’s not perfect, but it’s okay. Jisung is the most content he’s been for awhile. 

When he gets back to campus, it's as though he never left. It's even quieter than when he left it, the entire campus and the surrounding apartments wrapped in a blanket of stillness. Jisung can still feel the lingering melancholy from when his friends saw him off at the train station. Jisung would like to say it was like they were seeing him off to his own death, but it wasn't anywhere as dramatic as that. Jaemin wouldn't stop hugging him until all the air was squeezed out of his chest, nearly causing him to miss his train. Mark had also hugged him, giving him an awkward pat and a look that caused Jisung's heart to ache. It was kind of ridiculous, really; Mark is going to be back on campus in a couple of days and Jaemin is going to be back a week after.

Jisung drifts from place to place the next couple of days. He meanders around campus, allowing the cold to numb his cheeks and nose. He walks past old memories, enjoying the crunch of the snow beneath his boots. To his surprise, Taeyong invites him over for dinner before Mark returns. He eats until his stomach threatens to explode, mind and heart filled as well.

By the time Jaemin returns, the fog over Jisung's mind has lifted. He no longer feels as though he's floating from day to day, counting the passage of time by the rise and fall of the sun with a steadfast devotion (and ignoring the research he should seriously be getting on with).

Jisung feels fuller, more sure of himself than before. He goes on another date with Sungchan and actually takes Kun up on his offer. It's the most awkward but delicious meal he's ever had and makes the somewhat stilted small talk with Sungchan pales in comparison. Jisung gives Jaemin and Donghyuck free reign of his profile and they manage to convince him to go on a couple of dates. They aren't awful but after the second, Jisung decides he rather likes holing up in his dorm or the dance studio and finally puts his foot down.

With the start of the new semester, the campus bursts into life and Jisung's heart bursts with a newfound ache. He quickly succumbs to the monotony of the semester, for once finding comfort in the pile of coursework steadily building up. Sometimes, when Jisung rolls out of bed and onto the floor, he'll wonder why there wasn't someone to reprimand him for being so loud in the morning. After study sessions with Jaemin or lunch with Renjun, he'll sit at his desk and stare at the empty spaces on his wall. His phone will be on his desk but an invisible force prevents him from picking it up and typing out thoughts he was brave enough to voice, thoughts he's been carrying around for months. Occasionally, Jisung catches a glimpse of Chenle in the halls of the math building or on his way out of his favorite convenience store. It's those moments where Jisung's heart hurts the most. There's a special pain of missing someone who's still there, someone whose traces he can find where he least expects it.

"Aw, come on," Donghyuck prods Jisung's side as he lays sprawled out on Donghyuck's bed, brain complete mush from just finishing his problem set.

"No, I don't like parties," Jisung refutes. He doesn't like the stench of alcohol and foreign bodies pressed up against him. Every time he goes, he always gets pushed to dance. Moves from the studio don't translate to house parties and above all, Jisung is Awkward.

"Pwetty pweeeeease?" Donghyuck bats his eyelashes.

Jisung shoves his face away in disgust. "Jaemin and Jeno are going."

"Yeah, but I don't want to third-wheel alone," Donghyuck face twists. "Or whatever third-wheeling is for two people who aren't together yet."

"Renjun?" Jisung inquires, hopeful.

"He has a test on Monday."

"Yangyang?"

"He's busy."

"Yukhei? Hendery?"

"Eh, they're party hopping," Donghyuck dismisses.

"Mark?" Jisung tries.

Donghyuck's face scrunches up like he's just eaten something sour. Okay, maybe a poor suggestion then. Jisung hasn't exactly been up to date.

" _Mark_ has decided he doesn't like parties now that he's getting his Masters," Donghyuck sniffs, "He's _boring_ now."

"Oh-kay," Jisung says. He moves back and forth, wondering if he should stop Donghyuck mid-rant. "You always get drunk and wander off in the end..."

"You know I don't mean to! It just happens." Donghyuck pouts, tugging Jisung's face closer by pinching and tugging his cheeks.

Jisung mumbles, eyes downcast, "Why do you want me to come so badly anyway?"

"It's still the beginning of the semester and we aren't dying hard enough yet! Therefore, we have time. It'll be fun, I promise." Donghyuck implores. "What if I get you a date to come with as well? That way you’ll have a third person to stick to!" He has that look on his face that screams he won't give up, at least not easily. Jisung knows where to pick his battles.

"I don't need a date," Jisung sighs, and Donghyuck squeals in delight.

Predictably, Jisung gets ditched by his “date” within the first five minutes of the party. He can't say he's surprised, with the way their initial date went. He spends the next fifteen minutes pushing through crowds of people, trying to find Donghyuck.

"Oh, you actually came!" Jaemin's eyes light up when Jisung meanders his way into the kitchen for the fifth time. He presses a cup into Jisung's hand, swaying. Jisung sighs internally at Jaemin's lopsided grin. A drunk Jaemin is ten times harder to deal with because he's ten times clingier.

When Jisung finishes half the cup, Jaemin's smile stretches even wider. Jisung attempts to pass the drink back to him; he really doesn't intend on getting drunk tonight because he gets super affectionate and _embarrassing_ but Jaemin won't take no for an answer. Jisung turns to Jeno, who's lounging on the kitchen counter. He’s watching them with an amused expression.

"Have you seen Donghyuck?" Jisung inquires. He wipes his face of the spit from Jaemin's kiss, trying to pry off Jaemin's arms slung around his waist.

"Donghyuckie?" Jaemin asks in his aegyo voice. He pinches and pulls on Jisung's cheek, lamenting about the loss of his baby fat or something like that.

"He’s not here?" Jeno's eyebrows furrow in confusion.

"Oh, I see," Jisung says, chewing on the inside of his cheek. "Did you guys see him upstairs?"

"We were up there a while ago, but no Donghyuckie," Jaemin buries his face into the crook of Jisung's neck.

"That's nice to hear."

Jisung wonders what game Donghyuck is playing at. He _hopes_ that Donghyuck is just being his usual self, too busy getting pulled into different conversations with all his friends, because Lee Donghyuck simply knows everyone and everyone knows Lee Donghyuck. Maybe he's just drifting from room to room and that's why Jaemin and Jeno haven't seen him yet. Although, Donghyuck _did_ spam him with reassuring texts that yes, he would be at the party DO NOT WORRY and please don't forget to meet your date for a romantic moonlit walk before you get smashed.

"Injunie was upstairs though," Jaemin remarks.

"I thought he has a test on Monday?"

"He was with Yangyang," Jeno says, as though that answers Jisung's question.

Jisung looks down at Jaemin, who's slightly cross-eyed as he continues to snuggle closer to Jisung. He takes a deep sigh, prying Jaemin's hands off his waist. "Take care of him, will you?" Jisung requests and he doesn't miss the sparks flying from Jaemin's eyes as he shoves his childhood friend into Jeno's lap.

Jisung grimaces as he navigates his way upstairs, past the couples making out. He tiptoes around the empty cups, tossed carelessly without a second thought. Right now, he feels wound up like a coiled spring, insides pressed tightly against one another, ready to burst at any moment. His chest feels too light and too heavy at once and Jisung is once again reminded of why exactly he loathes parties. Always awkward, always out of place. Never knowing people or what to say.

Too deep into his thoughts, Jisung ends up crashing into someone else. "Oh, shit," Jisung exclaims, hands flying out to steady the person in front of him and to steady himself. Their drink sloshes in their cup, barely missing Jisung's shirt. "I'm sorry, I was looking for a friend and wasn't paying attention."

"Jisung?" An all too familiar voice asks.

Jisung looks down, grip tightening.

Chenle looks at him with wide eyes. Underneath the dim purple and blue party lights, his face looks gaunter, cheekbones protruding and jawline more prominent than ever. Jisung can make out dark circles against pallid skin. He wonders if he appears the same.

With his free hand, Chenle reaches out to cup Jisung's cheek. He still looks slightly dazed, as though he can't quite believe it's Jisung in front of him. Jisung hates the way he chases after the lingering remnants of warmth once Chenle withdraws his hand.

Chenle then stiffens underneath Jisung's grip. It causes Jisung to snap back to the current situation and he hastily stuffs his hands into his pocket. "Sorry," he says far too quickly, "I was looking for Renjun."

"Ah, what happened to the person you came here with..." Chenle trails off. He seems uncharacteristically unsure and vulnerable with his gaze downcast. He chews on his lip, chapped and rough and red. It looks worse than Jisung's ever seen it, scabs barely healed and skin flaking.

Back in high school, Chenle would always chew on his lips with a ferocity that scared Jisung. His lips were always cracked and bleeding. He never remembered to put on chapstick unless someone reminded him. Jisung used to buy chapstick in packs of two.

Jisung snorts, "He ditched me as soon as we got here, pretty sure he was looking for someone else. I don't even remember his name to be honest." Chenle's lip twitches upwards. "What about you? Are you here all alone? I thought you'd be with Felix or something..."

"Oh, we actually broke up right before break," Chenle tugs on the drawstrings of his hoodie, looking everywhere except at Jisung.

Upon closer inspection, the hoodie is actually one of Jisung's many black ones– it's the one Chenle was most fond of stealing, claiming that it was the softest and most comfortable. He'd always steal it a day after Jisung had worn it, "accidentally" forgetting his own sweatshirt and taking it without permission. Jisung never complained because secretly, he liked it. It made him feel all warm and fuzzy inside when he saw him across campus, parading about in his clothes. Right now, a part of him delights in knowing that Chenle has still been wearing _his_ clothes this whole time. His possessiveness and pride is an ugly, twisted thing.

"I didn't know that," Jisung remarks. He wonders if his friends did and if they were just too kind to bring it up.

"Yeah," Chenle shrugs, "Felix is nice and all, but it wasn't working out. We're still friends though."

Despite the bass booming some overplayed pop song from the first floor and the rowdy laughter and cheers of the other people at the party, a tense silence settles between them. There's a bridge between the two of them, one they used to cross back and forth without a second thought. Now, Jisung stares at Chenle from the other side, terrified.

"Oh, sorry I never returned your sweater," Chenle mumbles, fingers flying up to tug on the hood.

"It's fine." Jisung's throat feels parched. "You can keep it. If you want."

Chenle purses his lips, twirling the drawstrings of Jisung's hoodie. Somehow, Jisung feels as though that were the wrong thing to say. This is the closest he's been to Chenle in the past few months, yet he's never felt further apart from his best friend.

"Do you want to go on a walk?" Chenle asks suddenly, "Get out of here or something? The party's getting kind of boring."

Jisung stuffs his hands into his pockets, shifting from side to side. He doesn’t want to have a talk, doesn’t want to address any issues even though he’s been dying to see Chenle the past couple of months. The unanswered questions and confusion have been steadily building, threatening to burst the wall Jisung had so carefully built. Running away seems less frightening. 

“Sure,” he says instead.

Outside, the cold air stings Jisung's face. The pale moonlight reflects on the snow on the ground, giving Chenle an ethereal glow. He tugs his jacket closer around his body, the tip of his nose a bright pink as puffs of white breath escape his mouth. He's unsure of where they're headed but still, he follows Chenle.

As they walk in the cold winter night, the thoughts Jisung has held close to his heart burst free from their cage. There are too many things to put into words, too many emotions he wants to express but is also frightened of showing. He wonders how he can break the silence, how he can put them into words that will show how he's been feeling but also how has Chenle been this whole–

"Jisung," Chenle sighs, exasperated like he knows Jisung is overthinking and getting himself all worked up.

Jisung pauses, thoughts halting and body stopping. Chenle bites on his lip, weight shifting side to side. It's not like Chenle to dance around the issue, that's Jisung's job. Chenle has always been blunt, fearlessly speaking his mind. Always loud, always reckless. A perfect compliment to Jisung. Now, he looks like he's trying to become smaller, drawing in on himself.

"I'm sorry," Chenle says, "I was so scared. I’m sorry."

Jisung furrows his eyebrows. "What do you mean? If anything, I should be the one apologizing. I never reached out after–"

Chenle huffs, slapping a hand over Jisung's mouth. "No, listen." He stares at Jisung, finally meeting his eyes for the first time since tonight. It's only when he sees Jisung's confirmation that he lets go.

"I got scared. Somehow I got it into my head that I was holding you back and you were being too nice this whole time and didn’t want to say anything," Chenle shoots Jisung a glare, "No, you _know_ that you have a bad habit of doing that. I just wasn't sure. Like, I don't know," Chenle shuts his eyes and tugs on his hair. "I thought that breaking up would, I don't know, help or something! So, well, I, yeah."

Jisung supposes it's true. He's often been told by Jaemin and Renjun his weak spot for Chenle stretches for kilometers. He _likes_ indulging in Chenle, loves seeing the small smile it brings to the other boy's face. He never considered what it must look like from the other side. Looking at Chenle right now, silver moonlight illuminating his face, all Jisung can think of how ironic it all is. Giddiness fills his chest, and oh, isn't it hilarious.

All this time, he was stuck in his own head, thinking he wasn’t good enough for Chenle when Chenle felt the exact same. Looking back, it all makes sense. From the way Chenle initially breached the topic of breaking up with such trepediation to later when he seemed certain, almost _too certain_ in his decision. “For character development” was what Chenle had said. Truth is, both of them were still paralyzed by their fears after the breakup.

"Stop, why are you smiling? Are you _laughing_ at me, Park Jisung?" Chenle demands.

"No," Jisung snorts, reaching out to pull Chenle's hands out of his pockets, intertwining their fingers. He brings one of Chenle's hands up to his cheek, inhaling the crisp air.

“You’re definitely laughing,” Chenle frowns, pinching Jisung’s side. “You’re scaring me right now. I’m not as brave as you think I am. Not all the time, anyways.” Chenle’s eyes are dark, twisted into a complicated expression.

"We're both so stupid," he exhales. "I thought _I_ was the one holding you back. You're so, you're so–"

And Jisung has spent hours– days, maybe even weeks at this point– thinking of Chenle since they've met, yet he still can't put his thoughts into words. Just how should he describe how Chenle shines so bright, it sometimes hurts to look? Just how does he tell Chenle that when they're together, he feels buoyant like he could subsist on these feelings alone for days because Chenle fills the invisible, gaping hole in Jisung's heart. He's contradictory, always teasing Jisung but helping him remember there are parts of him to like. Jisung can't imagine a world where he doesn't know Chenle in some form.

"You're so amazing and _you_ , and I'm awkward and quiet and me," Jisung finishes lamely. There are still a thousand things he wants to say.

Chenle's gapes, mouth open. A laugh escapes. Then another, and another.

"I'm an idiot. We're both the biggest dumbasses alive," he wheezes, squeezing Jisung's hands. His eyes light up with glee.

"Yeah," Jisung agrees, "maybe we should rethink our brand of King Head to King Idiot."

Chenle's snorts. "Maybe. But you can be one and I can be two this time."

“It’s so much easier to run away,” Jisung says softly, when the silence that settles between them is on the cusp of awkwardness. They’re two people, who once knew each other, or thought they understood one another completely, relearning their boundaries and hidden selves. “It’s not as frightening.” 

“It’s terrifying,” Chenle says, “Makes me feel like I want to puke.” 

Jisung laughs in agreement, squeezing Chenle’s hand. He’s always been trapped by his own insecurities, preferring to turn a blind eye to them out of fear of losing what he still had left. Maybe he should change that. The unknown will always be terrifying, it’s time he learned how to conquer it.

“You’re one of the most important people in my life. I don’t want to lose you again. The past few months have been the worst few months of my life,” Jisung tells Chenle. 

“They were pretty awful,” Chenle concedes. 

His lips quirk upwards but his eyes are brimming with tears. Chenle inhales sharply, hand gripping Jisung’s so tightly that Jisung thinks his fingers might be crushed. In all of the years Jisung has known Chenle, he can count the number of times his friend has cried on a single hand. Chenle is brave, denies any sort of vulnerability, but secretly has one of the kindest hearts Jisung has ever known. Outside in the cold winter night, bundled up in a thick winter jacket, Chenle looks more exposed than he’s ever been before. Chenle is softer than what he wants others to believe– maybe even what Jisung, his best friend for years, has believed.

“I’m sorry again,” Chenle apologizes. “I know you see me as someone who's fearless and I thought I was being brave– I wanted to be brave for you– but sometimes I’m just as scared as you are. Maybe even more.” 

Jisung swallows the lump in his throat. “It’s alright,” his voice comes out scratchy. “It’s okay to be afraid. But that’s why we have each other, right? To help each other. You can help me be more brave.” 

“Yeah, and you can teach me to feel okay being afraid. No more hiding, not anymore,” Chenle whispers, like a promise. Still, too scared to shout his fears from the mountaintops but then again, is there anyone actually courageous enough to do that? They have one another to trust and confide in, to tell each other their biggest insecurities and darkest demons. And even if they can’t do so immediately, it’s okay. It’s a start.

Hope blossoms inside of Jisung’s chest. 

Jisung brushes the hair out of Chenle’s eyes, meeting the other boy’s gaze. "You've been chewing on your nails again," Jisung notes absently as he turns Chenle's palm over to examine it under the starry sky. "Your lips, too."

Chenle's gaze drops to Jisung's mouth. He takes a step closer and another and another until they're pressed against each other.

"Well, I didn't have you to remind me," Chenle murmurs, breath fanning out in white clouds before they disappear into the dark night sky.

"You have me now," Jisung whispers before he leans forward to close the distance between them.

Jisung squirms in his chair as Donghyuck's hands press down on his shoulders, pinning him in place. His cheeks are sore from the constant pulling and tugging (and smiling, but he's not going to admit that. He has a reputation to uphold).

Across the table, Chenle grins as Jaemin presses another wet kiss to Jisung's nose.

"Are you done yet?" Jisung sighs, exasperated. It's already been fifteen minutes; usually by this time Jaemin has had his fair share of birthday kisses and cuddles. Today he's been extra affectionate. Jisung hadn’t missed the soft look in Jaemin's eyes when he told Jaemin about what happened after the party.

"You weren't complaining about that earlier," Renjun smirks.

Jisung flushes and Chenle cackles, falling into Jeno's side. His drinking habits are going to be the death of him. Whatever buzz he had worked up earlier from the drinks his friends insisted he have for his birthday has only just worn off, hence Jisung's complaints.

"Chenle and I have stuff planned," Jisung whines, pouting and pitching his voice upwards. 

"Oh, what kind of things?" Donghyuck asks, waggling his eyebrows.

Jisung coughs, "Things. Just things. Boring things you wouldn't care about." This morning, Jisung had woken up and immediately attacked Chenle’s face with kisses. That was his first birthday present. Just before they left the dorm, Chenle had tugged Jisung back to whisper sweet promises in his ear of what was to come later that night. Jisung’s face was red until the end of their lecture, but by then it was too late– they were already out the door.

Jaemin _finally_ relieves Jisung of being his victim and sets his eyes on Chenle instead. He pounces on Jisung's boyfriend, engulfing Chenle in a bear hug. "My babies," he coos as Chenle swats his face away.

"It's Jisung's birthday, aren't you supposed to be coddling him?" Chenle says, grimacing.

"Yes, but I haven't seen you in so long." Jaemin ruffles Chenle's hair. Jisung watches as he shares a relieved glance with Renjun. Donghyuck, too, has the same expression on his face, like all the tension has been melted from him.

"Let the two kids read each other bedtime stories," Jeno laughs as Chenle scrunches up his face in annoyance for the fifth time. He and Renjun eventually pry Jaemin off Chenle, then off Jisung again. By the time they leave, Jisung's been thoroughly embarrassed by all his friends for the second time that night. Still, he leaves their little gathering with a small skip in his step.

He and Chenle walk back to Jisung's room in comfortable silence, pushing and shoving as they kick snow at one another, laughter filling the frigid air. They stumble into Jisung's room with rosy cheeks and smiles on their faces. Joy looks good on Chenle, Jisung decides, taking note of the melting snow on Chenle's thick eyelashes. Thank god Jeongin is never in the room, Jisung thinks before he tugs Chenle in for a kiss.

"Wait, wait," Chenle laughs, shoving a hand in Jisung's face before they get too carried away, "I have something for you."

"Oh?" Jisung is no longer pouting.

He watches with curiosity as Chenle scrambles off the bed and fumbles with his jacket. He comes back with a small blue cardboard box.

"What is it?" Jisung asks. The box is light and rattles when Jisung shakes it.

"Just open it," Chenle urges.

Inside, on woven black thread, is a beaded bracelet. The beads are the kind that Jisung sees when they pass by the markets on their way to the various food courts, a motley of colors and sizes.

"You made this?" Jisung asks in bewilderment. Zhong Chenle doesn't give handmade gifts, always claiming that they're too much work. He's as bad as Jisung with gifts, usually opting to ask the person what they want beforehand. Always practical, never sentimental.

"Yeah," Chenle says. "Want to try it on?"

Jisung nods vigorously and Chenle seems nervous as it takes him a few tries to get the clasp to close. Jisung's wrist feels different with the new weight. Heavier, but in a good way. A nice way. He takes in the details, the assortment of beads and their designs.

"I like it," Jisung tells Chenle. And he means it with all his heart. To some, the bracelet may look childish and imperfect, but knowing that it was Chenle who makes it mean so much more.

Still, Chenle fidgets in front of Jisung. What more could there possibly be?

"It's a matching pair, only the center bead isn't the same," Chenle explains as he pulls out his own bracelet from his pocket. He chews on his lips, looking at Jisung's hand instead of his face.

"Oh," Jisung exhales. And he can't help but lean forward and steal a kiss from Chenle's lips, wanting desperately to convey the exuberance coursing through his veins.

When he pulls back, there's a soft smile on Chenle's face.

"Can I put it on for you?" Jisung entreats, holding his breath.

Chenle nods, extending his wrist for Jisung. He now understands why Chenle was so nervous, his hands shake as he loops the bracelet around Chenle's wrist. Jisung manages to close the clasp on the fifth try. The bracelet fits snugly on Chenle's wrist, looking as though it's always been there. A perfect match to Jisung's own.

Jisung reaches for Chenle's hand to intertwine their fingers.

 _A promise_.

**Author's Note:**

> \+ i am sorry for using felix as a plot point TT__TT and sungchan as well  
> \+ why is everyone lowkey suffering because of academia?? because I'M suffering because of academia  
> \+ i would literally DIE for chensung (and the dreamies) pls talk to me abt them ;;


End file.
